Tag Archive | self

Deeper Knowing

winding_stream_banff_national_park_alberta_canadaI have heard a quote more than once:
“Be a river, not a reservoir.”

Truthfully, I think we are rivers, whether we acknowledge it or not.  We are ever growing and changing; things that fit before don’t now; we are always searching.

I am in one of those times of evaluation and revision.  One major reason for this is, circumstances are changing:  There are matters of privacy and involvement to consider that were not all that important before.

Another reason:  I am discovering new aspects of myself that need exploration and development.  I have questions to ask, ideas to ponder and whole areas of quandary on which to shed light, such as wants and dreams I can feel, but can’t articulate; like being hungry for something and not knowing what it is.

Thinking of life and ourselves as rivers is encouraging to me:  By nature, streams flow through different landscapes, eddy and swirl, run shallow, then deeper.  They are fluid; they start as small trickles that become larger.  Some develop into mighty rivers that carry ships and barges; others meander through forests and meadows.  Each one is just as valid and important.

It is also a given that a river is never fully known, no matter how many times someone visits it.  We’re that way; it’s okay because that is how we are meant to be.

Flow, river of my life;
As you travel through each circumstance,
growing and morphing into your next self,
May I delight in discovery and deeper knowing.



I met him at the swimming pool;
He invited me to share his lane.
His favor seemed so cool
Offered without seeking gain.


He seemed friendly and kind of heart,
So I accepted his invitation.
Such an innocent start
To what could have been devistation.


His words seemed genuine and true;
But their deception was well hidden.
It took all I could do
To break free from chains unbidden.


We could marry if you’ll do this:
Follow me wherever I go;
We’ll share such love and bliss;
Still his deception did not show.


We’ll be together, oh but wait;
Don’t ask too many questions of me;
Come close and stay away;
Commit but let me remain free.


And so the confusion marched on,
Until my whole life was undone;
Then came the brightest dawn:
This man is a finagling one.


I collected all that remained
Of my self as I left that last day,
Feeling all of the pain,
I courageously went on my way.


This was a favor in disguise;
That saved me from injury and sorrow;
Making me much more wise
And preparing me for “tomorrow.”


Let my story be a lesson
To any who might trust such a man:
If he brings confusion,
Turn and run as fast as you can!


If he tries to take you away
From your family, your friends and your town,
Know there’s a price to pay;
In distress that ever weighs you down.


Let me give some friendly advice
That just might help some people at last:
It’s not time to be nice;
Say, “Don’t let the dorr hit your a##”…
On your way out!”


Is a great big
Jigsaw puzzle,
With its many pieces;
Some of which
Don’t seem to fit

Am a part of
That big puzzle,
With my complexities
Some unknown,
Waiting for me
To find them.

Is often found
In this puzzle
And the discovery
Found therein
That clarifies
Who I am.


In the past few months, my personal journey has led me to places where I find that I don’t know myself well at all, or I am not sure how to proceed.
This is a part of healing that some people avoid:  It requires hiking over rocky ground that is often unpredictable, frightening and painful.
When I worked as a therapist, I sometimes met people who would do anything they possibly could to stay away from such terrain, even if it meant continuing in unhealthy ways and habits.  I sat with more than one spouse who was headed for divorce because he or she had become healthier while the other spouse insisted on staying in “safe territory.”
The cost of wellness can be high indeed:  Friends and loved ones who are not on that path will eventually leave…or you will be the one to decide that a continued relationship is not good, so you will tell them good-bye.
Sometimes, it’s a part of your own self that gets laid down, old and familiar as it is.
I have come to points of decision all along the way that require me to count the cost, weigh the risks and make a decision.  When it comes to wholeness, the treasure is always worth the price.  Okay, there have been times when I wondered about that, but if I will hang in there long enough, I find that the gains are far more valuable than anything I gave up.
Such interesting paradoxes are found in the journey:
By dying, I live.
When I lay something down, I get something greater.
In facing darkness, I find light.
In losing myself, I find myself.


Dear Heart,

I’m writing to tell you the things I really want you to know. Do be patient with me: Some might be difficult to put into words; others may be hard to say in the first place.

First, I love you. You are precious. You are essential.

Next, I would like to ask your forgiveness, for the times I ignored your pain or told you to be quiet. You did have important things to tell me, but I couldn’t or didn’t want to hear you.

Sometimes, hearts are hard to understand. You can speak so softly or deliver your message in such challenging riddles. I have often misunderstood you or missed what you said altogether.

I am coming to know you more fully, as I feel your presence and honor you. I will continue to learn your language so that we communicate much better.

Meanwhile, please keep talking. Help me know God, you, myself – you are part of my Self. Keep offering wisdom, feelings, knowledge and even questions.

Without you, I am only a shadow; the sparkles in a stream without depth, that dries up as soon as the heat comes.

Thank you for being such an important part of who I am.

Much love,



I’ve been told
There’s a treasure somewhere,
So I study the map
and make my plans.

I prepare
Getting equipment and gear;
I buy the right clothing
And set a date.

I arrive
To find a vast expanse;
Will I find anything
That’s valuable?

I press on,
I stumble and get lost;
But I must keep searching
Until it’s mine.

First one place;
Then I try another.
But I only find trash
and cut myself.

Once I find
A beautiful trinket,
So priceless and lovely;
I am encouraged.

such hard work,
But I do some each day.
This treasure’s important:
It’s my self.