When I was in social work school, we learned something that I think of often these days:
As we draw closer to others and allow them into ourselves more, we access deeper levels of our own souls; therefore, we find more conflict and uncertainty. That is one reason why things seem so good when a friendship is new or while we’re dating; then as that friendship becomes closer and after we marry, they become so much more difficult.
As an adult who experienced plenty of abuse as a child and young person, I find a couple of things to be really challenging when it comes to relationships of any kind:
*I have a way of picking people and places who are not really emotionally available to me. Okay, that’s improvement: I used to pick some rather abusive sorts.
*I long for friends and companions; then step way back when that seems to be happening. Again, I’m better than I used to be, AND now, I recognize my tendency.
*This is probably not unique to people who have come through trauma, but I find so much confusion and loss of myself when I try to allow people close to me. Some of this is fear; some of it is a rather large amount of relearning.
Oof, relationships, whether with my self or others, are messy!
I’m reminded of the refrain from this song by Johnny Lee:
I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places
Lookin’ for love in too many faces
Searchin’ their eyes, lookin’ for traces
Of what I’m dreamin’ of
Hopin’ to find a friend and a lover
I’ll bless the day I discover
Another heart lookin’ for love